Comfy Bun

March is doing much better today and has taken to sitting in his food bowl. He's a strange one.  He has been eating a good amount today, which is a decided change from yesterday.
We had a bad storm last night and he sat out of his crate with us for at least three hours just chilling and grooming my hand. Our power went out briefly but there wasn't really any damage during the storm. 
Anyways, I may update later with some Animal Crossing stuff.
-Joji

涙の向う側に 幸せはあるの

This morning, my rabbit, Embryo died.

I guess I sort of saw it coming, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I really needed something to take care of after Mom died, it's therapeutic for me to have something relying on me, but with Embryo dying as well, it hit a little too hard. I had a hard time, and am still having a hard time, with understanding at a baser level that I was not abandoned, that I did everything in my power that I could do for my rabbit. I know how illogical it is, but that is just one of the many joys of living with BPD.

I know that Cernunnos is watching over him now as he hops around in tall grass, eating clover flowers and basking in the sun. He is much better where he is now, than where he was. I also know that he died in loving hands and knowing that both of his Dads loved him very very much.

I worry about how March is going to handle being alone now, they were inseparable. We have had him outside a lot, letting him munch on dandelion leaves and just sit wherever he wanted. I hope he will  be alright. He has been having some similar issues to the ones Embryo presented that spurred us to take him to the vet. I cant afford another vet visit at the moment, not even close, but we are babying him and keeping a  close eye on him.


Sorry that this was my first blog post in well over a year, but I am not too sure how many people read this sort of drabble anyway.


-Joji

Just like Heaven...

He was there, wrapped up so beautifully in gauze and flower petals... his eyes averted and his expression nervous... He was there as a gift to me, for my birthday.

I couldnt see him... but my heart was stilling itself to listen for any sign of his presence... it was stilling out of disbelief. As the box fell aside and she smiled, pushing me gently towards him, my heart finally fell silent. I stood in disbelief. I stood in horror.

A timid smile crossed his scarlet painted lips and he parted them to sing. to try and make my birthday what they had all planned it to be.

Half a note in, not even half a word in, and my eyes were great rushing waterfalls. I fell to the floor and cried. i stared and cried and took every single breath of his into my lungs, hoping it would keep me alive just for those few more moments. I couldnt bare to miss any of it. To know that I left the world for the few second he was mine?....

He smiled again and approached me, offering his hand to aid my stability and I froze solid. "Why wont you ever know that I'm in love with you...?" Chills tore down my skin like a semi on the freeway and i swallowed the lump in my throat....

I raised my hand to his cheek, our eyes meeting and tried my hardest to stifle my tears....  He looked so sad that even in those moments, I was crying.  "Please dont..." he said, his accent thick and calming, but a vivid reminder of our distance. "I'm here... I dont know why I was ever so far away from here...." He pressed his lips to my cheek and i shut my eyes.


A loud crack brought me to my senses and I was there alone. Sitting with my left hand on my cheek. No fading warmth of our last embrace there... no silky residue of lipstick. Just the same, familiar feel of less than perfect skin and emptiness. I fell to the floor. It had all been a dream.

just a dream......

Aesthetics

  I do so much for my vanity, one of the longest running things is my ear stretching. Its been almost a decade now and I'm still going!!

Right now I have gone far past my initial goal as a naive little babybat (which was 00) and even past the goal i set after that! (1") and am now at 1 3/4" and headed towards 2"! that will be my absolute largest though.

I have been told my so many people that stretched ears and piercings aren't goth. I dont think they are anything other than a personal choice, and thats what mine will remain as. Not a fashion trend, not a desperate, clawing attempt at a higher 'goth score'.

Regardless, i jumped a mm more than i had intended to today so my ears are sore and a bit throbby. I have been putting cold things on them and plan on using some jojoba oil to keep them hydrated.

Sorry about the lack of blog posts btw. Life has been so busy what with Oogie and CSC taking off once again. Hopefully I'll start posting more.

until then, have a photo to leave off with.

  

-Joji

Amsterdam

Here I sit with my head in my hands and tears running down my face. Here I sit, listening to the live recording i've listened to a thousand times over of 'New Dawn Fades' on repeat.  Never before in my life have I ever understood it more. Never so plainly has it ever been shown to me...

I never realized it before... How much you put into it... I never realized that it took all of you to show us what we wanted to see...most of us didnt see it at all... but it was killing you.

I remember the first time I heard a live recording of New Dawn Fades.  I sat there, with my eyes wide and my hands shaking and I cried. I cried and shook and tried to figure out how one person could feel so much... how a man i would never know could tell me so many things with a song that was only  4 and a half minutes long. You sounded more real in those four and a half minutes than you ever did to me. I felt like i could write you a letter... i could take a plane and there you would be, sitting in some smoke filled bar, sipping at a beer and scribbling in a black bound book... It broke my heart when I came back to my senses... You were gone long before my mother ever made the mistake that lead to my birth.

You were gone long before anyone else realized it.

And tonight....2 years later than most, it all became clear to me. all the questions i asked and all the thoughts that flooded my head. No one stopped to think about how it drained you of all you were...how much you gave and how much you had left. No one saw it killing you.  Just a song, they were just words. You were just a singer and it was just a band. Pretty sounds and a pretty voice with lyrics that flowed evenly. No one stopped to think that it all came from somewhere... that maybe you were saying something real.

I cant even begin to put this into thoughts that would be eloquent and beautiful but my heart is broken.

I know its stupid to feel as if I can relate. As if its the same. But some days, I feel like I could have understood what you were going through... with the fear of failing health and with love turning its back on you... with the whole world taking all you had and demanding more, even though it left you broken and drained... with one wrong turn that lead you to the jumping off point... Some days I wish I could have been there to tell you that it all evens out eventually... that even though the world is full of parasites... its not so bad when you put it all past you... I wish i could have been there to lie to you and tell you it was ok.


But I know you werent meant for this world. Too many things here werent right for you... we werent ready for what you had to give us...but i am thankful that we have what you did give us...and all these years later people finally took a step back and saw what a beautiful soul you were.




Right now my heart is broken and my head is clouded and all i can think of are the pictures i have of you, so vivid without a single trace of color... the few videos ive managed to find and each and every single sound you let us have.

Ill fade out tonight with your voice in my ears and in time I will have figured it out enough to explain it to the rest of the world, just how much your life meant to me.




-Joji

A Very Goth Valentine's. (or so I thought)

So as I sit here, typing this, I'm diving head first into a box of cheap chocolates my Mum got me, trying to not smear my new black lipstick and listening to The Cure. Bloodflowers to be specific. I'm  not even angsting! Its hilarious how seriously people take Valentine's day. Its just another day. People who are truly in love dont need a predetermined day of the year to show each other they care. I dont understand why people are so down about it.... Learn to love yourself so you are never alone <3

Oops. Broke the goth thing didnt I?

Who cares. ♥

We all went to a mexican restaurant to get some lunch and it was brilliantly good. but of course, who can go to a mexican restaurant without playing with the chips? NOT I!

told ya!

Leah was nommin' on 'em though.

after that Leah, Irry and myself went mini-roadtripping today. We went to two different malls in search of something to blow money on. After a while we found a Sephora and I spent only $87, which for me, is astounding as I usually put myself into debt there... Got two lipglosses, a black lipstick, a grey/black palette and a pair of lashes.  Then we meandered off to another store to find Irry some suitable black pants. Spent $50 on those.  All in all, Today was a very good day. Music, Coffee, Black lipstick and good friends.

What else could a goth want for valentines day?



-Joji