Comfy Bun

March is doing much better today and has taken to sitting in his food bowl. He's a strange one.  He has been eating a good amount today, which is a decided change from yesterday.
We had a bad storm last night and he sat out of his crate with us for at least three hours just chilling and grooming my hand. Our power went out briefly but there wasn't really any damage during the storm. 
Anyways, I may update later with some Animal Crossing stuff.
-Joji

涙の向う側に 幸せはあるの

This morning, my rabbit, Embryo died.

I guess I sort of saw it coming, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I really needed something to take care of after Mom died, it's therapeutic for me to have something relying on me, but with Embryo dying as well, it hit a little too hard. I had a hard time, and am still having a hard time, with understanding at a baser level that I was not abandoned, that I did everything in my power that I could do for my rabbit. I know how illogical it is, but that is just one of the many joys of living with BPD.

I know that Cernunnos is watching over him now as he hops around in tall grass, eating clover flowers and basking in the sun. He is much better where he is now, than where he was. I also know that he died in loving hands and knowing that both of his Dads loved him very very much.

I worry about how March is going to handle being alone now, they were inseparable. We have had him outside a lot, letting him munch on dandelion leaves and just sit wherever he wanted. I hope he will  be alright. He has been having some similar issues to the ones Embryo presented that spurred us to take him to the vet. I cant afford another vet visit at the moment, not even close, but we are babying him and keeping a  close eye on him.


Sorry that this was my first blog post in well over a year, but I am not too sure how many people read this sort of drabble anyway.


-Joji

tongue spltting

I am making an appt next month to get my tongue split with Steve Haworth, who is one of my idols. I am so beyond everything right now that i cant even begin to explain.

a few people have asked if they can pitch in to help me afford this and i made a Chipin for it. This is a mod i have wanted since i was a child. its so amazing to actually be able to say i can get it done.

end

"Its too formal..." i said under my breath and swirled the last of the whiskey from the glass down my throat. "Too set up... its...." The chair opposite me slid harshly, dragging across age old floor boards. Funny how a century old bar was too formal....

"Ah.. I'm.." He started and I stopped him.

"I know who you are... Its my name you'll be wondering of I'm sure." I said with clear, precise words. "Just call me Georgie. Most people do." It was funny how my words betrayed my head.  So calm and clear they rang out and so buzzy and wrong my head felt....

He smiled faintly and i called for another drink... or two.

"I wont keep you long. I know you are a busy man with stars in your eyes and I am a very uninteresting boy with a life to pretend I'm leading."  I gathered my thoughts. I gathered my breath as best i could and brought my grey eyes up to his brown. "It's all just trivial, this whole meeting.. I know I dont stand a single chance at anything other than a brief hello now and again If i ever see you again. I dont want a single thing except a few minutes to explain... If you are anything like me... And for some reason i dont think we are too different, you would want someone much less dangerous. someone who didnt know every word you ever sang... you would want someone unattached to this... We are all vultures here... we hang on every word from you... we wait for you to strain out one more song... one more word..." I talked too fast... my head kept going light on me... I downed my drink and brought my shaking hand up to his chest, just over his heart. "We wait for this... for a brief glimpse of what could be going on in here...." I said and took my hand away, placing it on my head "So that we can figure out for ourselves... what's going on up here..."  he looked at the table, possibly taking it all in... thinking.... something...perhaps trying to figure out why he agreed to this whole ordeal.

"We want all you are... all you were...all you could be..." I said with a sad smile "Me, maybe moreso than most... because I know that feeling all too well. The whole world drained me dry of all i could feel and now I dont know how to feel... So i look to what you gave us and draw from that. You reminded me that i can feel, that i can live... hell. that i can thrive." My hands were shaking like leaves in a hurricane. the bar seemed ten times too bright... "That when its all ending... its not really ending. its just changing. So... You may not think you are any of what we say you are... but to me... you'll always be you. You'll always be human. And someone just like me. Thank you."  I stood up and looked into his eyes. trying to grab onto anything he had shining through there and all i saw was what i felt. a jittering heart and a racing head.

------

Just like Heaven...

He was there, wrapped up so beautifully in gauze and flower petals... his eyes averted and his expression nervous... He was there as a gift to me, for my birthday.

I couldnt see him... but my heart was stilling itself to listen for any sign of his presence... it was stilling out of disbelief. As the box fell aside and she smiled, pushing me gently towards him, my heart finally fell silent. I stood in disbelief. I stood in horror.

A timid smile crossed his scarlet painted lips and he parted them to sing. to try and make my birthday what they had all planned it to be.

Half a note in, not even half a word in, and my eyes were great rushing waterfalls. I fell to the floor and cried. i stared and cried and took every single breath of his into my lungs, hoping it would keep me alive just for those few more moments. I couldnt bare to miss any of it. To know that I left the world for the few second he was mine?....

He smiled again and approached me, offering his hand to aid my stability and I froze solid. "Why wont you ever know that I'm in love with you...?" Chills tore down my skin like a semi on the freeway and i swallowed the lump in my throat....

I raised my hand to his cheek, our eyes meeting and tried my hardest to stifle my tears....  He looked so sad that even in those moments, I was crying.  "Please dont..." he said, his accent thick and calming, but a vivid reminder of our distance. "I'm here... I dont know why I was ever so far away from here...." He pressed his lips to my cheek and i shut my eyes.


A loud crack brought me to my senses and I was there alone. Sitting with my left hand on my cheek. No fading warmth of our last embrace there... no silky residue of lipstick. Just the same, familiar feel of less than perfect skin and emptiness. I fell to the floor. It had all been a dream.

just a dream......

Aesthetics

  I do so much for my vanity, one of the longest running things is my ear stretching. Its been almost a decade now and I'm still going!!

Right now I have gone far past my initial goal as a naive little babybat (which was 00) and even past the goal i set after that! (1") and am now at 1 3/4" and headed towards 2"! that will be my absolute largest though.

I have been told my so many people that stretched ears and piercings aren't goth. I dont think they are anything other than a personal choice, and thats what mine will remain as. Not a fashion trend, not a desperate, clawing attempt at a higher 'goth score'.

Regardless, i jumped a mm more than i had intended to today so my ears are sore and a bit throbby. I have been putting cold things on them and plan on using some jojoba oil to keep them hydrated.

Sorry about the lack of blog posts btw. Life has been so busy what with Oogie and CSC taking off once again. Hopefully I'll start posting more.

until then, have a photo to leave off with.

  

-Joji

Its magic. You just have to believe.

Grey will be a sort of memoir of mine. I believe in magic. And in a different world. Someplace better with magenta skies and dark teal grass dotted with big white, fragrant flowers. Someplace where people always make time to dance and the men are always gentleman, well dressed and well spoken. There is a great, broken garden there with walls like a labyrinth and in that garden lives a massive black panther... he speaks softly and only when he thinks you arent listening... he knows a great many things.  Just past the hills and down a winding dirt path is the edge of it all... where once a great, sad king tried to destroy all that he could not have, all that haunted him. Its grey there. everything... He removed all the beauty and all that was left was grey.  the flowers fall to dust under your fingertips and the walls are falling down around it all. Paths lead to nothing... clouds have settled around your feet. Its a very sad place... and ive been there a million times in my dreams... Just past the grey area is where the walls start. Stark and grey and concrete. They rise far past the clouds and drop just as far. I never know how i manage to end up sitting on the spires that leap out from them, but ive never seen past the horizon there. Its just desert. No life, no color, just desert.

Paradies has many defenses against the rest of the world... To begin with, the last time i saw it... was beneath a blackberry bush. Full of thorns and scratching branches. I had to crawl on my hands and knees quite a ways...  There are always rabbits nearby.

If you dont believe in it... you cant see it. It makes me go mad sometimes trying to show little glimpses i catch to others...

I could go on for hours. Ive been there so many times in my dreams... ive seen glimpses and ive wasted years looking for it... Ive been told so many times that im crazy. I just made it all up as a defense mechanism.... but i know its real.

Its real because i believe in it. Because i know it.

So I guess the point of all of this is...anything you ever believe in is real. At least to you. the rest of the world doesnt need to believe in it for it to be real to you... Just put your heart into it...and youll find that magic is everywhere around you and in all things.



-JVB