Its magic. You just have to believe.

Grey will be a sort of memoir of mine. I believe in magic. And in a different world. Someplace better with magenta skies and dark teal grass dotted with big white, fragrant flowers. Someplace where people always make time to dance and the men are always gentleman, well dressed and well spoken. There is a great, broken garden there with walls like a labyrinth and in that garden lives a massive black panther... he speaks softly and only when he thinks you arent listening... he knows a great many things.  Just past the hills and down a winding dirt path is the edge of it all... where once a great, sad king tried to destroy all that he could not have, all that haunted him. Its grey there. everything... He removed all the beauty and all that was left was grey.  the flowers fall to dust under your fingertips and the walls are falling down around it all. Paths lead to nothing... clouds have settled around your feet. Its a very sad place... and ive been there a million times in my dreams... Just past the grey area is where the walls start. Stark and grey and concrete. They rise far past the clouds and drop just as far. I never know how i manage to end up sitting on the spires that leap out from them, but ive never seen past the horizon there. Its just desert. No life, no color, just desert.

Paradies has many defenses against the rest of the world... To begin with, the last time i saw it... was beneath a blackberry bush. Full of thorns and scratching branches. I had to crawl on my hands and knees quite a ways...  There are always rabbits nearby.

If you dont believe in it... you cant see it. It makes me go mad sometimes trying to show little glimpses i catch to others...

I could go on for hours. Ive been there so many times in my dreams... ive seen glimpses and ive wasted years looking for it... Ive been told so many times that im crazy. I just made it all up as a defense mechanism.... but i know its real.

Its real because i believe in it. Because i know it.

So I guess the point of all of this is...anything you ever believe in is real. At least to you. the rest of the world doesnt need to believe in it for it to be real to you... Just put your heart into it...and youll find that magic is everywhere around you and in all things.



-JVB

Amsterdam

Here I sit with my head in my hands and tears running down my face. Here I sit, listening to the live recording i've listened to a thousand times over of 'New Dawn Fades' on repeat.  Never before in my life have I ever understood it more. Never so plainly has it ever been shown to me...

I never realized it before... How much you put into it... I never realized that it took all of you to show us what we wanted to see...most of us didnt see it at all... but it was killing you.

I remember the first time I heard a live recording of New Dawn Fades.  I sat there, with my eyes wide and my hands shaking and I cried. I cried and shook and tried to figure out how one person could feel so much... how a man i would never know could tell me so many things with a song that was only  4 and a half minutes long. You sounded more real in those four and a half minutes than you ever did to me. I felt like i could write you a letter... i could take a plane and there you would be, sitting in some smoke filled bar, sipping at a beer and scribbling in a black bound book... It broke my heart when I came back to my senses... You were gone long before my mother ever made the mistake that lead to my birth.

You were gone long before anyone else realized it.

And tonight....2 years later than most, it all became clear to me. all the questions i asked and all the thoughts that flooded my head. No one stopped to think about how it drained you of all you were...how much you gave and how much you had left. No one saw it killing you.  Just a song, they were just words. You were just a singer and it was just a band. Pretty sounds and a pretty voice with lyrics that flowed evenly. No one stopped to think that it all came from somewhere... that maybe you were saying something real.

I cant even begin to put this into thoughts that would be eloquent and beautiful but my heart is broken.

I know its stupid to feel as if I can relate. As if its the same. But some days, I feel like I could have understood what you were going through... with the fear of failing health and with love turning its back on you... with the whole world taking all you had and demanding more, even though it left you broken and drained... with one wrong turn that lead you to the jumping off point... Some days I wish I could have been there to tell you that it all evens out eventually... that even though the world is full of parasites... its not so bad when you put it all past you... I wish i could have been there to lie to you and tell you it was ok.


But I know you werent meant for this world. Too many things here werent right for you... we werent ready for what you had to give us...but i am thankful that we have what you did give us...and all these years later people finally took a step back and saw what a beautiful soul you were.




Right now my heart is broken and my head is clouded and all i can think of are the pictures i have of you, so vivid without a single trace of color... the few videos ive managed to find and each and every single sound you let us have.

Ill fade out tonight with your voice in my ears and in time I will have figured it out enough to explain it to the rest of the world, just how much your life meant to me.




-Joji

Apart.

"he waits to hear her say
forgive
but she just drops her pearl-black eyes
and prays to hear him say
i love you
but he tells no more lies"

The room was dark and cold. The morning light filtered through pale blue curtains, adding to the already frigid feeling that he had. His coffee had gone stale and his cigarette had gone out. Things were not on his side that morning... and as he exited the building and stood at the top of what seemed to be the world, he couldnt bring a smile to his face. Not even with knowing that he lived as well as any man could live... he loved and smiled and laughed... No, he did not smile. A million birds flew by then... peppering the pale blue sky with dirty black. How fitting... he felt. How true to form they would be....perfect for a morning when one single man, one simple man would learn to fly or hit the ground trying...

If My Life...

If my life were a play, I'd like to think I played my part well. I could take my bow with a nod of knowing that I did the very best I could have. There was no one else who could have taken my part... no understudy who could have done it justice... If my life were a play, I'd like to think it was made for me.

I could see the lights dimming on the stage and hear the audience clapping loudly, standing even, and giving me a final wave of praise, telling me that I was perfect in my part. A single tear would run down my cheek as I denied the encore and gave my final bow and the show would end.

It would be as simple as that.

But my life is not a play. I have no set of lines to say when it means the most. I have no well thought out words to sweep you off your feet or set it in stone that I truly am sorry.  I cannot see to the end, I have not read how my show will end... I cannot see my mistakes before I make them to ensure that my face is at its absolute best in those moments so at the very least, you dont think that i've lost all my charms.

I didnt see it coming as you fell to your knees in those moments. I didnt see my heart break a thousand miles before I came to this point nor did i read the words that spilled from my lips later that night.

I cannot erase the things i have said and backtrack the things i've done so that its more enjoyable for the world to look back on once im gone. I cannot undo what i have done.

I get no second try, no do-over. This is a one time deal.

I suppose, that even if my life were a play, I would be no better off than I am in these moments, questioning where i'm going... A thousand mistakes can be made in a single breath. A million wrong words can be whispered at the height of passion... and all of these things are human nature... all of these mistakes keep us vulnerable and human... they keep us real and vivid. There is no way to avoid them, even in the well thought out scripts.

I get no chance to see how my life has gone over with the rest of the world. I do not know if they jeer or clap for me... if they too cried as I bowed out and retired my place on the stage or if they were happy to see my eyes fade.

All I can do is the best I can. I'll read my lines as they come to me and I will pray they dont cover their eyes at what I have to show...

In the end, I hope they smile.


-Joji

Makeup Forever Rogue Artist Intense Lipstick #50

Much like every goth kid that has ever worn black lipstick, I am eternally searching for the perfect black lipstick. One that is pigmented, solid and velvety. Not too shiny and not too matte. My search took me to Sephora today where I found Makeup Forever's version of this Goth classic.

Their Rogue Artist Lipstick collection comes in 50 different shades. 50. how crazy is that? This is shade #50, the darkest shade and the one I bought. It was $19, which is more than fair for a lipstick.

I really hate that they dont have names for their shades, only numbers. I forget numbers a lot, but seeing as this is the only black lipstick they make, its not so shade specific. the shade number, however is #50.

As expected, its a nice, solid black. not tinted, or screwed with. its not a reddish black or a blueish black, its /just/ black.

I have very high expectations of black lipstick. I have yet to find more than a handful that is any better than the 99 cent costume black you can get during halloween. Most are thin, sheer or too shiny. 

From left to right shows the lipstick and various bases. the first on the left is over a base of Prestige black pencil liner. This one is the darkest and most solid option I found, and one I will likely use. The second is over MAC's carbon shadow, this was very solid but also sort of dry. the very last is the lipstick on its own, as you can see its rather dark without a base, which was impressive.

This lipstick is very silky, but it feels a bit thin texturally. I prefer heavier lipsticks, but this one was very comfortable to wear. 

My biggest complaint, if really my only complaint was that it smudges really easily. Even with a base, this smudges, which is a big issue as I have liprings and they love to wreak havoc on my lipstick.

That was dragging my finger across each swatch one time. the only one that didnt fade out and smear intensely was with the one with eyeliner under it. That one remained solid, black and in place. The swatch with carbon underneath faded, but not nearly as much as the lipstick on its own.

Overall, I like this lipstick. Its not as good as I had hoped, but good enough to warrant the $19 price tag. 

Pigmentation- 7.5 out of 10

Finish- 6 out of 10

Staying Power- 6 out of 10

Moisture- 8.5 out of 10

Value for Price- 7 out of 10

Wearability- 8 out of 10

Overall-  7 out of 10

Though this is not the Goth classic remade, it is a genuinely good black lipstick that will do just fine for everyday wear. 

-Joji

A Very Goth Valentine's. (or so I thought)

So as I sit here, typing this, I'm diving head first into a box of cheap chocolates my Mum got me, trying to not smear my new black lipstick and listening to The Cure. Bloodflowers to be specific. I'm  not even angsting! Its hilarious how seriously people take Valentine's day. Its just another day. People who are truly in love dont need a predetermined day of the year to show each other they care. I dont understand why people are so down about it.... Learn to love yourself so you are never alone <3

Oops. Broke the goth thing didnt I?

Who cares. ♥

We all went to a mexican restaurant to get some lunch and it was brilliantly good. but of course, who can go to a mexican restaurant without playing with the chips? NOT I!

told ya!

Leah was nommin' on 'em though.

after that Leah, Irry and myself went mini-roadtripping today. We went to two different malls in search of something to blow money on. After a while we found a Sephora and I spent only $87, which for me, is astounding as I usually put myself into debt there... Got two lipglosses, a black lipstick, a grey/black palette and a pair of lashes.  Then we meandered off to another store to find Irry some suitable black pants. Spent $50 on those.  All in all, Today was a very good day. Music, Coffee, Black lipstick and good friends.

What else could a goth want for valentines day?



-Joji

Eleven and His Mods.

So I've been meaning to re-mod everyone's favorite little zombie for some time now. I kept thinking about wanting his mods to be permanent so I went and bought a small amount of Epoxy Sculpt to sculpt some gore onto his cute little face. So far its been a tedious and mind numbing process since I havent used epoxy in ages. Right now hes sitting in front of me slowly but surely curing.

after these photos i thinned out the walls of his flesh wounds and smoothed down some of the bumps and the transition  between his mods and his mouth. where there are flat places in between his holes there will be metal staples. He used to have stitches but i think the metal will stand out a bit better between all the rot.

for any of you who wondered how he got his wounds or his story, ill put it short and sweet. Eleven died when he was 9. (funny yeah?) Hes one of the oldest of the boys, since he was killed in the late 1600's. He has a massive, gaping hole in his stomach that was his cause of death. he was disemboweled partially and had his intestines tacked up to a tree. He was forced to walk around said tree until he died. the reasons why are still something of a mystery. all he has told me other than that was he was very poor when he was alive and never really had much to eat (which explains his appetite now).

His mouth wounds are the most obvious since people often see those first. Those were caused postmortem by another boy. Six makes it his job to inflict wounds on all of the zombies who come his way and there isnt one yet who hasnt had a run in with him. Eleven was one of the more lucky and only ended up with a small facial wound. His mouth is split from the corner to just before his ear and was done with part of a vegetable peeler. 6 then crudely tried to close the wound with scrap metal and thread. Since Eleven's body only heals partially now, hes constantly fighting off infection and liquefied flesh dripping from his mouth. he doesnt mind so much though, because he can still eat stuff.

-7:59pm

---

10:17 pm

He's done, drying and being cute now but here are a few WIP shots.

there were a few more steps inbetween that last shot and the final product, obviously, but i was trying to power through it and get him done, so here he is~ in all his gorey glory!

So there you have it. he went from being really plain and those mods looking like shit to looking rather nice if i do say so myself!

i used tacky glue, pastels, gloss, metal and testor's dullcote. it took me about 4 hours total from a blank head to his final gloss.

im exhausted and am going to sleep now, i hope you guys enjoyed!

-Joji