tongue spltting

I am making an appt next month to get my tongue split with Steve Haworth, who is one of my idols. I am so beyond everything right now that i cant even begin to explain.

a few people have asked if they can pitch in to help me afford this and i made a Chipin for it. This is a mod i have wanted since i was a child. its so amazing to actually be able to say i can get it done.

end

"Its too formal..." i said under my breath and swirled the last of the whiskey from the glass down my throat. "Too set up... its...." The chair opposite me slid harshly, dragging across age old floor boards. Funny how a century old bar was too formal....

"Ah.. I'm.." He started and I stopped him.

"I know who you are... Its my name you'll be wondering of I'm sure." I said with clear, precise words. "Just call me Georgie. Most people do." It was funny how my words betrayed my head.  So calm and clear they rang out and so buzzy and wrong my head felt....

He smiled faintly and i called for another drink... or two.

"I wont keep you long. I know you are a busy man with stars in your eyes and I am a very uninteresting boy with a life to pretend I'm leading."  I gathered my thoughts. I gathered my breath as best i could and brought my grey eyes up to his brown. "It's all just trivial, this whole meeting.. I know I dont stand a single chance at anything other than a brief hello now and again If i ever see you again. I dont want a single thing except a few minutes to explain... If you are anything like me... And for some reason i dont think we are too different, you would want someone much less dangerous. someone who didnt know every word you ever sang... you would want someone unattached to this... We are all vultures here... we hang on every word from you... we wait for you to strain out one more song... one more word..." I talked too fast... my head kept going light on me... I downed my drink and brought my shaking hand up to his chest, just over his heart. "We wait for this... for a brief glimpse of what could be going on in here...." I said and took my hand away, placing it on my head "So that we can figure out for ourselves... what's going on up here..."  he looked at the table, possibly taking it all in... thinking.... something...perhaps trying to figure out why he agreed to this whole ordeal.

"We want all you are... all you were...all you could be..." I said with a sad smile "Me, maybe moreso than most... because I know that feeling all too well. The whole world drained me dry of all i could feel and now I dont know how to feel... So i look to what you gave us and draw from that. You reminded me that i can feel, that i can live... hell. that i can thrive." My hands were shaking like leaves in a hurricane. the bar seemed ten times too bright... "That when its all ending... its not really ending. its just changing. So... You may not think you are any of what we say you are... but to me... you'll always be you. You'll always be human. And someone just like me. Thank you."  I stood up and looked into his eyes. trying to grab onto anything he had shining through there and all i saw was what i felt. a jittering heart and a racing head.

------

Just like Heaven...

He was there, wrapped up so beautifully in gauze and flower petals... his eyes averted and his expression nervous... He was there as a gift to me, for my birthday.

I couldnt see him... but my heart was stilling itself to listen for any sign of his presence... it was stilling out of disbelief. As the box fell aside and she smiled, pushing me gently towards him, my heart finally fell silent. I stood in disbelief. I stood in horror.

A timid smile crossed his scarlet painted lips and he parted them to sing. to try and make my birthday what they had all planned it to be.

Half a note in, not even half a word in, and my eyes were great rushing waterfalls. I fell to the floor and cried. i stared and cried and took every single breath of his into my lungs, hoping it would keep me alive just for those few more moments. I couldnt bare to miss any of it. To know that I left the world for the few second he was mine?....

He smiled again and approached me, offering his hand to aid my stability and I froze solid. "Why wont you ever know that I'm in love with you...?" Chills tore down my skin like a semi on the freeway and i swallowed the lump in my throat....

I raised my hand to his cheek, our eyes meeting and tried my hardest to stifle my tears....  He looked so sad that even in those moments, I was crying.  "Please dont..." he said, his accent thick and calming, but a vivid reminder of our distance. "I'm here... I dont know why I was ever so far away from here...." He pressed his lips to my cheek and i shut my eyes.


A loud crack brought me to my senses and I was there alone. Sitting with my left hand on my cheek. No fading warmth of our last embrace there... no silky residue of lipstick. Just the same, familiar feel of less than perfect skin and emptiness. I fell to the floor. It had all been a dream.

just a dream......

Aesthetics

  I do so much for my vanity, one of the longest running things is my ear stretching. Its been almost a decade now and I'm still going!!

Right now I have gone far past my initial goal as a naive little babybat (which was 00) and even past the goal i set after that! (1") and am now at 1 3/4" and headed towards 2"! that will be my absolute largest though.

I have been told my so many people that stretched ears and piercings aren't goth. I dont think they are anything other than a personal choice, and thats what mine will remain as. Not a fashion trend, not a desperate, clawing attempt at a higher 'goth score'.

Regardless, i jumped a mm more than i had intended to today so my ears are sore and a bit throbby. I have been putting cold things on them and plan on using some jojoba oil to keep them hydrated.

Sorry about the lack of blog posts btw. Life has been so busy what with Oogie and CSC taking off once again. Hopefully I'll start posting more.

until then, have a photo to leave off with.

  

-Joji

Its magic. You just have to believe.

Grey will be a sort of memoir of mine. I believe in magic. And in a different world. Someplace better with magenta skies and dark teal grass dotted with big white, fragrant flowers. Someplace where people always make time to dance and the men are always gentleman, well dressed and well spoken. There is a great, broken garden there with walls like a labyrinth and in that garden lives a massive black panther... he speaks softly and only when he thinks you arent listening... he knows a great many things.  Just past the hills and down a winding dirt path is the edge of it all... where once a great, sad king tried to destroy all that he could not have, all that haunted him. Its grey there. everything... He removed all the beauty and all that was left was grey.  the flowers fall to dust under your fingertips and the walls are falling down around it all. Paths lead to nothing... clouds have settled around your feet. Its a very sad place... and ive been there a million times in my dreams... Just past the grey area is where the walls start. Stark and grey and concrete. They rise far past the clouds and drop just as far. I never know how i manage to end up sitting on the spires that leap out from them, but ive never seen past the horizon there. Its just desert. No life, no color, just desert.

Paradies has many defenses against the rest of the world... To begin with, the last time i saw it... was beneath a blackberry bush. Full of thorns and scratching branches. I had to crawl on my hands and knees quite a ways...  There are always rabbits nearby.

If you dont believe in it... you cant see it. It makes me go mad sometimes trying to show little glimpses i catch to others...

I could go on for hours. Ive been there so many times in my dreams... ive seen glimpses and ive wasted years looking for it... Ive been told so many times that im crazy. I just made it all up as a defense mechanism.... but i know its real.

Its real because i believe in it. Because i know it.

So I guess the point of all of this is...anything you ever believe in is real. At least to you. the rest of the world doesnt need to believe in it for it to be real to you... Just put your heart into it...and youll find that magic is everywhere around you and in all things.



-JVB

Amsterdam

Here I sit with my head in my hands and tears running down my face. Here I sit, listening to the live recording i've listened to a thousand times over of 'New Dawn Fades' on repeat.  Never before in my life have I ever understood it more. Never so plainly has it ever been shown to me...

I never realized it before... How much you put into it... I never realized that it took all of you to show us what we wanted to see...most of us didnt see it at all... but it was killing you.

I remember the first time I heard a live recording of New Dawn Fades.  I sat there, with my eyes wide and my hands shaking and I cried. I cried and shook and tried to figure out how one person could feel so much... how a man i would never know could tell me so many things with a song that was only  4 and a half minutes long. You sounded more real in those four and a half minutes than you ever did to me. I felt like i could write you a letter... i could take a plane and there you would be, sitting in some smoke filled bar, sipping at a beer and scribbling in a black bound book... It broke my heart when I came back to my senses... You were gone long before my mother ever made the mistake that lead to my birth.

You were gone long before anyone else realized it.

And tonight....2 years later than most, it all became clear to me. all the questions i asked and all the thoughts that flooded my head. No one stopped to think about how it drained you of all you were...how much you gave and how much you had left. No one saw it killing you.  Just a song, they were just words. You were just a singer and it was just a band. Pretty sounds and a pretty voice with lyrics that flowed evenly. No one stopped to think that it all came from somewhere... that maybe you were saying something real.

I cant even begin to put this into thoughts that would be eloquent and beautiful but my heart is broken.

I know its stupid to feel as if I can relate. As if its the same. But some days, I feel like I could have understood what you were going through... with the fear of failing health and with love turning its back on you... with the whole world taking all you had and demanding more, even though it left you broken and drained... with one wrong turn that lead you to the jumping off point... Some days I wish I could have been there to tell you that it all evens out eventually... that even though the world is full of parasites... its not so bad when you put it all past you... I wish i could have been there to lie to you and tell you it was ok.


But I know you werent meant for this world. Too many things here werent right for you... we werent ready for what you had to give us...but i am thankful that we have what you did give us...and all these years later people finally took a step back and saw what a beautiful soul you were.




Right now my heart is broken and my head is clouded and all i can think of are the pictures i have of you, so vivid without a single trace of color... the few videos ive managed to find and each and every single sound you let us have.

Ill fade out tonight with your voice in my ears and in time I will have figured it out enough to explain it to the rest of the world, just how much your life meant to me.




-Joji

Apart.

"he waits to hear her say
forgive
but she just drops her pearl-black eyes
and prays to hear him say
i love you
but he tells no more lies"

The room was dark and cold. The morning light filtered through pale blue curtains, adding to the already frigid feeling that he had. His coffee had gone stale and his cigarette had gone out. Things were not on his side that morning... and as he exited the building and stood at the top of what seemed to be the world, he couldnt bring a smile to his face. Not even with knowing that he lived as well as any man could live... he loved and smiled and laughed... No, he did not smile. A million birds flew by then... peppering the pale blue sky with dirty black. How fitting... he felt. How true to form they would be....perfect for a morning when one single man, one simple man would learn to fly or hit the ground trying...