An inside look at the musings, ramblings and daily life of one terribly confused boy.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


"he waits to hear her say
but she just drops her pearl-black eyes
and prays to hear him say
i love you
but he tells no more lies"

The room was dark and cold. The morning light filtered through pale blue curtains, adding to the already frigid feeling that he had. His coffee had gone stale and his cigarette had gone out. Things were not on his side that morning... and as he exited the building and stood at the top of what seemed to be the world, he couldnt bring a smile to his face. Not even with knowing that he lived as well as any man could live... he loved and smiled and laughed... No, he did not smile. A million birds flew by then... peppering the pale blue sky with dirty black. How fitting... he felt. How true to form they would be....perfect for a morning when one single man, one simple man would learn to fly or hit the ground trying...

Sunday, February 20, 2011

If My Life...

If my life were a play, I'd like to think I played my part well. I could take my bow with a nod of knowing that I did the very best I could have. There was no one else who could have taken my part... no understudy who could have done it justice... If my life were a play, I'd like to think it was made for me.

I could see the lights dimming on the stage and hear the audience clapping loudly, standing even, and giving me a final wave of praise, telling me that I was perfect in my part. A single tear would run down my cheek as I denied the encore and gave my final bow and the show would end.

It would be as simple as that.

But my life is not a play. I have no set of lines to say when it means the most. I have no well thought out words to sweep you off your feet or set it in stone that I truly am sorry.  I cannot see to the end, I have not read how my show will end... I cannot see my mistakes before I make them to ensure that my face is at its absolute best in those moments so at the very least, you dont think that i've lost all my charms.

I didnt see it coming as you fell to your knees in those moments. I didnt see my heart break a thousand miles before I came to this point nor did i read the words that spilled from my lips later that night.

I cannot erase the things i have said and backtrack the things i've done so that its more enjoyable for the world to look back on once im gone. I cannot undo what i have done.

I get no second try, no do-over. This is a one time deal.

I suppose, that even if my life were a play, I would be no better off than I am in these moments, questioning where i'm going... A thousand mistakes can be made in a single breath. A million wrong words can be whispered at the height of passion... and all of these things are human nature... all of these mistakes keep us vulnerable and human... they keep us real and vivid. There is no way to avoid them, even in the well thought out scripts.

I get no chance to see how my life has gone over with the rest of the world. I do not know if they jeer or clap for me... if they too cried as I bowed out and retired my place on the stage or if they were happy to see my eyes fade.

All I can do is the best I can. I'll read my lines as they come to me and I will pray they dont cover their eyes at what I have to show...

In the end, I hope they smile.


Monday, February 14, 2011

Makeup Forever Rogue Artist Intense Lipstick #50

Much like every goth kid that has ever worn black lipstick, I am eternally searching for the perfect black lipstick. One that is pigmented, solid and velvety. Not too shiny and not too matte. My search took me to Sephora today where I found Makeup Forever's version of this Goth classic.

Their Rogue Artist Lipstick collection comes in 50 different shades. 50. how crazy is that? This is shade #50, the darkest shade and the one I bought. It was $19, which is more than fair for a lipstick.

I really hate that they dont have names for their shades, only numbers. I forget numbers a lot, but seeing as this is the only black lipstick they make, its not so shade specific. the shade number, however is #50.

As expected, its a nice, solid black. not tinted, or screwed with. its not a reddish black or a blueish black, its /just/ black.

I have very high expectations of black lipstick. I have yet to find more than a handful that is any better than the 99 cent costume black you can get during halloween. Most are thin, sheer or too shiny. 

From left to right shows the lipstick and various bases. the first on the left is over a base of Prestige black pencil liner. This one is the darkest and most solid option I found, and one I will likely use. The second is over MAC's carbon shadow, this was very solid but also sort of dry. the very last is the lipstick on its own, as you can see its rather dark without a base, which was impressive.

This lipstick is very silky, but it feels a bit thin texturally. I prefer heavier lipsticks, but this one was very comfortable to wear. 

My biggest complaint, if really my only complaint was that it smudges really easily. Even with a base, this smudges, which is a big issue as I have liprings and they love to wreak havoc on my lipstick.

That was dragging my finger across each swatch one time. the only one that didnt fade out and smear intensely was with the one with eyeliner under it. That one remained solid, black and in place. The swatch with carbon underneath faded, but not nearly as much as the lipstick on its own.

Overall, I like this lipstick. Its not as good as I had hoped, but good enough to warrant the $19 price tag. 

Pigmentation- 7.5 out of 10
Finish- 6 out of 10
Staying Power- 6 out of 10
Moisture- 8.5 out of 10
Value for Price- 7 out of 10
Wearability- 8 out of 10
Overall-  7 out of 10

Though this is not the Goth classic remade, it is a genuinely good black lipstick that will do just fine for everyday wear. 


A Very Goth Valentine's. (or so I thought)

So as I sit here, typing this, I'm diving head first into a box of cheap chocolates my Mum got me, trying to not smear my new black lipstick and listening to The Cure. Bloodflowers to be specific. I'm  not even angsting! Its hilarious how seriously people take Valentine's day. Its just another day. People who are truly in love dont need a predetermined day of the year to show each other they care. I dont understand why people are so down about it.... Learn to love yourself so you are never alone <3

Oops. Broke the goth thing didnt I?

Who cares. ♥

We all went to a mexican restaurant to get some lunch and it was brilliantly good. but of course, who can go to a mexican restaurant without playing with the chips? NOT I!

told ya!

Leah was nommin' on 'em though.

after that Leah, Irry and myself went mini-roadtripping today. We went to two different malls in search of something to blow money on. After a while we found a Sephora and I spent only $87, which for me, is astounding as I usually put myself into debt there... Got two lipglosses, a black lipstick, a grey/black palette and a pair of lashes.  Then we meandered off to another store to find Irry some suitable black pants. Spent $50 on those.  All in all, Today was a very good day. Music, Coffee, Black lipstick and good friends.

What else could a goth want for valentines day?


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Eleven and His Mods.

So I've been meaning to re-mod everyone's favorite little zombie for some time now. I kept thinking about wanting his mods to be permanent so I went and bought a small amount of Epoxy Sculpt to sculpt some gore onto his cute little face. So far its been a tedious and mind numbing process since I havent used epoxy in ages. Right now hes sitting in front of me slowly but surely curing.

after these photos i thinned out the walls of his flesh wounds and smoothed down some of the bumps and the transition  between his mods and his mouth. where there are flat places in between his holes there will be metal staples. He used to have stitches but i think the metal will stand out a bit better between all the rot.

for any of you who wondered how he got his wounds or his story, ill put it short and sweet. Eleven died when he was 9. (funny yeah?) Hes one of the oldest of the boys, since he was killed in the late 1600's. He has a massive, gaping hole in his stomach that was his cause of death. he was disemboweled partially and had his intestines tacked up to a tree. He was forced to walk around said tree until he died. the reasons why are still something of a mystery. all he has told me other than that was he was very poor when he was alive and never really had much to eat (which explains his appetite now).

His mouth wounds are the most obvious since people often see those first. Those were caused postmortem by another boy. Six makes it his job to inflict wounds on all of the zombies who come his way and there isnt one yet who hasnt had a run in with him. Eleven was one of the more lucky and only ended up with a small facial wound. His mouth is split from the corner to just before his ear and was done with part of a vegetable peeler. 6 then crudely tried to close the wound with scrap metal and thread. Since Eleven's body only heals partially now, hes constantly fighting off infection and liquefied flesh dripping from his mouth. he doesnt mind so much though, because he can still eat stuff.



10:17 pm

He's done, drying and being cute now but here are a few WIP shots.

there were a few more steps inbetween that last shot and the final product, obviously, but i was trying to power through it and get him done, so here he is~ in all his gorey glory!

So there you have it. he went from being really plain and those mods looking like shit to looking rather nice if i do say so myself!

i used tacky glue, pastels, gloss, metal and testor's dullcote. it took me about 4 hours total from a blank head to his final gloss.

im exhausted and am going to sleep now, i hope you guys enjoyed!


Sunday, February 6, 2011

You can have it, Kid.

You can have your dignity for a price, $10,000. You want your sense of self? $700 more. You want that name on your ID to match what people call you? $200. How about the love life you dreamed of as a kid? $45,000. Want a safe, loving home and a life that fairy tale characters are jealous of? $250,000. Not so bad is it? The vanity society requires to be beautiful? $15.25 and another $45 to match the color of the week. $400 on therapy to make it all work in your head and $50 a month to keep it that way. Itll take 3 months if you are lucky, 12 if you arent to make that $700 well spent. 1 month for your name, 2 years of pain for your dignity.  5 years for those 5 minutes in the limelight and a whole life time of insecurities and a blown sense of self to ever make it out alive in this world.

16 stitches to make up for the ignorance on 45th street, a month of antibiotics to fight that infection you got from the bar fight. A few months of crying to deal with three very angry words you hear far too often and 361 lonely nights spend wondering why. A broken arm and a bruised eye. A concussion and a shot of adrenaline. 49 scars visible to the eye and 490 under the skin. 15 new words you learned describe you in the eyes of others and 15 new words youve learned to hate.

So yeah, Kid. you can have who you are, but not without the price tag attached.

Nothing in life comes free and especially not a sense of self. You gotta fight for it, pay for it and swallow it whole to keep it for yourself. And even then, with a broken jaw and a stomach full of glass, the world will spend every waking moment trying to rip it, still beating, from your chest.

When you wake up in the morning and can still hear that low thudding in your chest, realize that for another day, another 1440 minutes, you made it out alive with your head held high and your pride in your hands.

itll take you years before the respect will show, before you realize that nothing in life comes easy, but each and every day that you wake up with a heart still beating in your chest and with dignity hanging on your shoulders, know that no one, not a single soul on this planet, can take what you've accomplished away from you.