An inside look at the musings, ramblings and daily life of one terribly confused boy.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

tongue spltting

I am making an appt next month to get my tongue split with Steve Haworth, who is one of my idols. I am so beyond everything right now that i cant even begin to explain.

a few people have asked if they can pitch in to help me afford this and i made a Chipin for it. This is a mod i have wanted since i was a child. its so amazing to actually be able to say i can get it done.

Monday, June 27, 2011


"Its too formal..." i said under my breath and swirled the last of the whiskey from the glass down my throat. "Too set up... its...." The chair opposite me slid harshly, dragging across age old floor boards. Funny how a century old bar was too formal....

"Ah.. I'm.." He started and I stopped him.

"I know who you are... Its my name you'll be wondering of I'm sure." I said with clear, precise words. "Just call me Georgie. Most people do." It was funny how my words betrayed my head.  So calm and clear they rang out and so buzzy and wrong my head felt....

He smiled faintly and i called for another drink... or two.

"I wont keep you long. I know you are a busy man with stars in your eyes and I am a very uninteresting boy with a life to pretend I'm leading."  I gathered my thoughts. I gathered my breath as best i could and brought my grey eyes up to his brown. "It's all just trivial, this whole meeting.. I know I dont stand a single chance at anything other than a brief hello now and again If i ever see you again. I dont want a single thing except a few minutes to explain... If you are anything like me... And for some reason i dont think we are too different, you would want someone much less dangerous. someone who didnt know every word you ever sang... you would want someone unattached to this... We are all vultures here... we hang on every word from you... we wait for you to strain out one more song... one more word..." I talked too fast... my head kept going light on me... I downed my drink and brought my shaking hand up to his chest, just over his heart. "We wait for this... for a brief glimpse of what could be going on in here...." I said and took my hand away, placing it on my head "So that we can figure out for ourselves... what's going on up here..."  he looked at the table, possibly taking it all in... thinking.... something...perhaps trying to figure out why he agreed to this whole ordeal.

"We want all you are... all you were...all you could be..." I said with a sad smile "Me, maybe moreso than most... because I know that feeling all too well. The whole world drained me dry of all i could feel and now I dont know how to feel... So i look to what you gave us and draw from that. You reminded me that i can feel, that i can live... hell. that i can thrive." My hands were shaking like leaves in a hurricane. the bar seemed ten times too bright... "That when its all ending... its not really ending. its just changing. So... You may not think you are any of what we say you are... but to me... you'll always be you. You'll always be human. And someone just like me. Thank you."  I stood up and looked into his eyes. trying to grab onto anything he had shining through there and all i saw was what i felt. a jittering heart and a racing head.


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Just like Heaven...

He was there, wrapped up so beautifully in gauze and flower petals... his eyes averted and his expression nervous... He was there as a gift to me, for my birthday.

I couldnt see him... but my heart was stilling itself to listen for any sign of his presence... it was stilling out of disbelief. As the box fell aside and she smiled, pushing me gently towards him, my heart finally fell silent. I stood in disbelief. I stood in horror.

A timid smile crossed his scarlet painted lips and he parted them to sing. to try and make my birthday what they had all planned it to be.

Half a note in, not even half a word in, and my eyes were great rushing waterfalls. I fell to the floor and cried. i stared and cried and took every single breath of his into my lungs, hoping it would keep me alive just for those few more moments. I couldnt bare to miss any of it. To know that I left the world for the few second he was mine?....

He smiled again and approached me, offering his hand to aid my stability and I froze solid. "Why wont you ever know that I'm in love with you...?" Chills tore down my skin like a semi on the freeway and i swallowed the lump in my throat....

I raised my hand to his cheek, our eyes meeting and tried my hardest to stifle my tears....  He looked so sad that even in those moments, I was crying.  "Please dont..." he said, his accent thick and calming, but a vivid reminder of our distance. "I'm here... I dont know why I was ever so far away from here...." He pressed his lips to my cheek and i shut my eyes.

A loud crack brought me to my senses and I was there alone. Sitting with my left hand on my cheek. No fading warmth of our last embrace there... no silky residue of lipstick. Just the same, familiar feel of less than perfect skin and emptiness. I fell to the floor. It had all been a dream.

just a dream......

Saturday, June 11, 2011


  I do so much for my vanity, one of the longest running things is my ear stretching. Its been almost a decade now and I'm still going!!

Right now I have gone far past my initial goal as a naive little babybat (which was 00) and even past the goal i set after that! (1") and am now at 1 3/4" and headed towards 2"! that will be my absolute largest though.

I have been told my so many people that stretched ears and piercings aren't goth. I dont think they are anything other than a personal choice, and thats what mine will remain as. Not a fashion trend, not a desperate, clawing attempt at a higher 'goth score'.

Regardless, i jumped a mm more than i had intended to today so my ears are sore and a bit throbby. I have been putting cold things on them and plan on using some jojoba oil to keep them hydrated.

Sorry about the lack of blog posts btw. Life has been so busy what with Oogie and CSC taking off once again. Hopefully I'll start posting more.

until then, have a photo to leave off with.



Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Its magic. You just have to believe.

Grey will be a sort of memoir of mine. I believe in magic. And in a different world. Someplace better with magenta skies and dark teal grass dotted with big white, fragrant flowers. Someplace where people always make time to dance and the men are always gentleman, well dressed and well spoken. There is a great, broken garden there with walls like a labyrinth and in that garden lives a massive black panther... he speaks softly and only when he thinks you arent listening... he knows a great many things.  Just past the hills and down a winding dirt path is the edge of it all... where once a great, sad king tried to destroy all that he could not have, all that haunted him. Its grey there. everything... He removed all the beauty and all that was left was grey.  the flowers fall to dust under your fingertips and the walls are falling down around it all. Paths lead to nothing... clouds have settled around your feet. Its a very sad place... and ive been there a million times in my dreams... Just past the grey area is where the walls start. Stark and grey and concrete. They rise far past the clouds and drop just as far. I never know how i manage to end up sitting on the spires that leap out from them, but ive never seen past the horizon there. Its just desert. No life, no color, just desert.

Paradies has many defenses against the rest of the world... To begin with, the last time i saw it... was beneath a blackberry bush. Full of thorns and scratching branches. I had to crawl on my hands and knees quite a ways...  There are always rabbits nearby.

If you dont believe in it... you cant see it. It makes me go mad sometimes trying to show little glimpses i catch to others...

I could go on for hours. Ive been there so many times in my dreams... ive seen glimpses and ive wasted years looking for it... Ive been told so many times that im crazy. I just made it all up as a defense mechanism.... but i know its real.

Its real because i believe in it. Because i know it.

So I guess the point of all of this is...anything you ever believe in is real. At least to you. the rest of the world doesnt need to believe in it for it to be real to you... Just put your heart into it...and youll find that magic is everywhere around you and in all things.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011


Here I sit with my head in my hands and tears running down my face. Here I sit, listening to the live recording i've listened to a thousand times over of 'New Dawn Fades' on repeat.  Never before in my life have I ever understood it more. Never so plainly has it ever been shown to me...

I never realized it before... How much you put into it... I never realized that it took all of you to show us what we wanted to see...most of us didnt see it at all... but it was killing you.

I remember the first time I heard a live recording of New Dawn Fades.  I sat there, with my eyes wide and my hands shaking and I cried. I cried and shook and tried to figure out how one person could feel so much... how a man i would never know could tell me so many things with a song that was only  4 and a half minutes long. You sounded more real in those four and a half minutes than you ever did to me. I felt like i could write you a letter... i could take a plane and there you would be, sitting in some smoke filled bar, sipping at a beer and scribbling in a black bound book... It broke my heart when I came back to my senses... You were gone long before my mother ever made the mistake that lead to my birth.

You were gone long before anyone else realized it.

And tonight....2 years later than most, it all became clear to me. all the questions i asked and all the thoughts that flooded my head. No one stopped to think about how it drained you of all you much you gave and how much you had left. No one saw it killing you.  Just a song, they were just words. You were just a singer and it was just a band. Pretty sounds and a pretty voice with lyrics that flowed evenly. No one stopped to think that it all came from somewhere... that maybe you were saying something real.

I cant even begin to put this into thoughts that would be eloquent and beautiful but my heart is broken.

I know its stupid to feel as if I can relate. As if its the same. But some days, I feel like I could have understood what you were going through... with the fear of failing health and with love turning its back on you... with the whole world taking all you had and demanding more, even though it left you broken and drained... with one wrong turn that lead you to the jumping off point... Some days I wish I could have been there to tell you that it all evens out eventually... that even though the world is full of parasites... its not so bad when you put it all past you... I wish i could have been there to lie to you and tell you it was ok.

But I know you werent meant for this world. Too many things here werent right for you... we werent ready for what you had to give us...but i am thankful that we have what you did give us...and all these years later people finally took a step back and saw what a beautiful soul you were.

Right now my heart is broken and my head is clouded and all i can think of are the pictures i have of you, so vivid without a single trace of color... the few videos ive managed to find and each and every single sound you let us have.

Ill fade out tonight with your voice in my ears and in time I will have figured it out enough to explain it to the rest of the world, just how much your life meant to me.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011


"he waits to hear her say
but she just drops her pearl-black eyes
and prays to hear him say
i love you
but he tells no more lies"

The room was dark and cold. The morning light filtered through pale blue curtains, adding to the already frigid feeling that he had. His coffee had gone stale and his cigarette had gone out. Things were not on his side that morning... and as he exited the building and stood at the top of what seemed to be the world, he couldnt bring a smile to his face. Not even with knowing that he lived as well as any man could live... he loved and smiled and laughed... No, he did not smile. A million birds flew by then... peppering the pale blue sky with dirty black. How fitting... he felt. How true to form they would be....perfect for a morning when one single man, one simple man would learn to fly or hit the ground trying...

Sunday, February 20, 2011

If My Life...

If my life were a play, I'd like to think I played my part well. I could take my bow with a nod of knowing that I did the very best I could have. There was no one else who could have taken my part... no understudy who could have done it justice... If my life were a play, I'd like to think it was made for me.

I could see the lights dimming on the stage and hear the audience clapping loudly, standing even, and giving me a final wave of praise, telling me that I was perfect in my part. A single tear would run down my cheek as I denied the encore and gave my final bow and the show would end.

It would be as simple as that.

But my life is not a play. I have no set of lines to say when it means the most. I have no well thought out words to sweep you off your feet or set it in stone that I truly am sorry.  I cannot see to the end, I have not read how my show will end... I cannot see my mistakes before I make them to ensure that my face is at its absolute best in those moments so at the very least, you dont think that i've lost all my charms.

I didnt see it coming as you fell to your knees in those moments. I didnt see my heart break a thousand miles before I came to this point nor did i read the words that spilled from my lips later that night.

I cannot erase the things i have said and backtrack the things i've done so that its more enjoyable for the world to look back on once im gone. I cannot undo what i have done.

I get no second try, no do-over. This is a one time deal.

I suppose, that even if my life were a play, I would be no better off than I am in these moments, questioning where i'm going... A thousand mistakes can be made in a single breath. A million wrong words can be whispered at the height of passion... and all of these things are human nature... all of these mistakes keep us vulnerable and human... they keep us real and vivid. There is no way to avoid them, even in the well thought out scripts.

I get no chance to see how my life has gone over with the rest of the world. I do not know if they jeer or clap for me... if they too cried as I bowed out and retired my place on the stage or if they were happy to see my eyes fade.

All I can do is the best I can. I'll read my lines as they come to me and I will pray they dont cover their eyes at what I have to show...

In the end, I hope they smile.


Monday, February 14, 2011

Makeup Forever Rogue Artist Intense Lipstick #50

Much like every goth kid that has ever worn black lipstick, I am eternally searching for the perfect black lipstick. One that is pigmented, solid and velvety. Not too shiny and not too matte. My search took me to Sephora today where I found Makeup Forever's version of this Goth classic.

Their Rogue Artist Lipstick collection comes in 50 different shades. 50. how crazy is that? This is shade #50, the darkest shade and the one I bought. It was $19, which is more than fair for a lipstick.

I really hate that they dont have names for their shades, only numbers. I forget numbers a lot, but seeing as this is the only black lipstick they make, its not so shade specific. the shade number, however is #50.

As expected, its a nice, solid black. not tinted, or screwed with. its not a reddish black or a blueish black, its /just/ black.

I have very high expectations of black lipstick. I have yet to find more than a handful that is any better than the 99 cent costume black you can get during halloween. Most are thin, sheer or too shiny. 

From left to right shows the lipstick and various bases. the first on the left is over a base of Prestige black pencil liner. This one is the darkest and most solid option I found, and one I will likely use. The second is over MAC's carbon shadow, this was very solid but also sort of dry. the very last is the lipstick on its own, as you can see its rather dark without a base, which was impressive.

This lipstick is very silky, but it feels a bit thin texturally. I prefer heavier lipsticks, but this one was very comfortable to wear. 

My biggest complaint, if really my only complaint was that it smudges really easily. Even with a base, this smudges, which is a big issue as I have liprings and they love to wreak havoc on my lipstick.

That was dragging my finger across each swatch one time. the only one that didnt fade out and smear intensely was with the one with eyeliner under it. That one remained solid, black and in place. The swatch with carbon underneath faded, but not nearly as much as the lipstick on its own.

Overall, I like this lipstick. Its not as good as I had hoped, but good enough to warrant the $19 price tag. 

Pigmentation- 7.5 out of 10
Finish- 6 out of 10
Staying Power- 6 out of 10
Moisture- 8.5 out of 10
Value for Price- 7 out of 10
Wearability- 8 out of 10
Overall-  7 out of 10

Though this is not the Goth classic remade, it is a genuinely good black lipstick that will do just fine for everyday wear. 


A Very Goth Valentine's. (or so I thought)

So as I sit here, typing this, I'm diving head first into a box of cheap chocolates my Mum got me, trying to not smear my new black lipstick and listening to The Cure. Bloodflowers to be specific. I'm  not even angsting! Its hilarious how seriously people take Valentine's day. Its just another day. People who are truly in love dont need a predetermined day of the year to show each other they care. I dont understand why people are so down about it.... Learn to love yourself so you are never alone <3

Oops. Broke the goth thing didnt I?

Who cares. ♥

We all went to a mexican restaurant to get some lunch and it was brilliantly good. but of course, who can go to a mexican restaurant without playing with the chips? NOT I!

told ya!

Leah was nommin' on 'em though.

after that Leah, Irry and myself went mini-roadtripping today. We went to two different malls in search of something to blow money on. After a while we found a Sephora and I spent only $87, which for me, is astounding as I usually put myself into debt there... Got two lipglosses, a black lipstick, a grey/black palette and a pair of lashes.  Then we meandered off to another store to find Irry some suitable black pants. Spent $50 on those.  All in all, Today was a very good day. Music, Coffee, Black lipstick and good friends.

What else could a goth want for valentines day?


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Eleven and His Mods.

So I've been meaning to re-mod everyone's favorite little zombie for some time now. I kept thinking about wanting his mods to be permanent so I went and bought a small amount of Epoxy Sculpt to sculpt some gore onto his cute little face. So far its been a tedious and mind numbing process since I havent used epoxy in ages. Right now hes sitting in front of me slowly but surely curing.

after these photos i thinned out the walls of his flesh wounds and smoothed down some of the bumps and the transition  between his mods and his mouth. where there are flat places in between his holes there will be metal staples. He used to have stitches but i think the metal will stand out a bit better between all the rot.

for any of you who wondered how he got his wounds or his story, ill put it short and sweet. Eleven died when he was 9. (funny yeah?) Hes one of the oldest of the boys, since he was killed in the late 1600's. He has a massive, gaping hole in his stomach that was his cause of death. he was disemboweled partially and had his intestines tacked up to a tree. He was forced to walk around said tree until he died. the reasons why are still something of a mystery. all he has told me other than that was he was very poor when he was alive and never really had much to eat (which explains his appetite now).

His mouth wounds are the most obvious since people often see those first. Those were caused postmortem by another boy. Six makes it his job to inflict wounds on all of the zombies who come his way and there isnt one yet who hasnt had a run in with him. Eleven was one of the more lucky and only ended up with a small facial wound. His mouth is split from the corner to just before his ear and was done with part of a vegetable peeler. 6 then crudely tried to close the wound with scrap metal and thread. Since Eleven's body only heals partially now, hes constantly fighting off infection and liquefied flesh dripping from his mouth. he doesnt mind so much though, because he can still eat stuff.



10:17 pm

He's done, drying and being cute now but here are a few WIP shots.

there were a few more steps inbetween that last shot and the final product, obviously, but i was trying to power through it and get him done, so here he is~ in all his gorey glory!

So there you have it. he went from being really plain and those mods looking like shit to looking rather nice if i do say so myself!

i used tacky glue, pastels, gloss, metal and testor's dullcote. it took me about 4 hours total from a blank head to his final gloss.

im exhausted and am going to sleep now, i hope you guys enjoyed!


Sunday, February 6, 2011

You can have it, Kid.

You can have your dignity for a price, $10,000. You want your sense of self? $700 more. You want that name on your ID to match what people call you? $200. How about the love life you dreamed of as a kid? $45,000. Want a safe, loving home and a life that fairy tale characters are jealous of? $250,000. Not so bad is it? The vanity society requires to be beautiful? $15.25 and another $45 to match the color of the week. $400 on therapy to make it all work in your head and $50 a month to keep it that way. Itll take 3 months if you are lucky, 12 if you arent to make that $700 well spent. 1 month for your name, 2 years of pain for your dignity.  5 years for those 5 minutes in the limelight and a whole life time of insecurities and a blown sense of self to ever make it out alive in this world.

16 stitches to make up for the ignorance on 45th street, a month of antibiotics to fight that infection you got from the bar fight. A few months of crying to deal with three very angry words you hear far too often and 361 lonely nights spend wondering why. A broken arm and a bruised eye. A concussion and a shot of adrenaline. 49 scars visible to the eye and 490 under the skin. 15 new words you learned describe you in the eyes of others and 15 new words youve learned to hate.

So yeah, Kid. you can have who you are, but not without the price tag attached.

Nothing in life comes free and especially not a sense of self. You gotta fight for it, pay for it and swallow it whole to keep it for yourself. And even then, with a broken jaw and a stomach full of glass, the world will spend every waking moment trying to rip it, still beating, from your chest.

When you wake up in the morning and can still hear that low thudding in your chest, realize that for another day, another 1440 minutes, you made it out alive with your head held high and your pride in your hands.

itll take you years before the respect will show, before you realize that nothing in life comes easy, but each and every day that you wake up with a heart still beating in your chest and with dignity hanging on your shoulders, know that no one, not a single soul on this planet, can take what you've accomplished away from you.


Wednesday, January 19, 2011 Review

A quick review on and their circle lenses.

I decided that i wanted a new pair of black lenses of a bigger size than what i previously had, which were GEO super magic blacks ( i believe they are around 14.8 mm diameter) and were definitely not big enough for me. I didnt see anything bigger on so i searched around and found and saw that they had 17.5mm lenses by Barbie Eye.

I paid under $50 for the lenses and express shipping from Malaysia, which isnt too bad. The lenses were 29.50 and shipping was 14.50. They were a bit more than i'm used to paying for lenses, but for the price, they are magnificent.

There was a small problem with my address and customer service was quick to email me and ask me to fix it so they could ship my lenses out to me. I was very impressed.

It took them just around 2 days to get here from the time they were shipped, and about 3 days total from order. one of the fastest shipments I've ever gotten from an Asian country.

this cute little guy was holding my lenses when they arrived. they fit snuggly inside his odd shaped head. they came in a cute black box, covered in japanese writing. i pulled him out, pried open his head and there were my little lens vials. 

The top of the foil lids were imprinted with 'barbie eye'. a good sign to me that they werent knock offs, though i really have no idea how to tell if lenses are legit. anywhoo, it made me feel better about them.

Here are my lenses side by side. the top ones are my new Barbie Eye Princess  lenses in black (17.5mm) and below them are my GEO super magic lenses in black (14.5mm) as you can see, there is quite the size difference in them.

A very cool thing about the little guy that my lenses came in was that his ears pop off and are lens cases. they worried me a bit since the lenses would be sideways, so i just left them off for now so they can soak properly in solution. its still pretty cool though.

As far as comfort goes, these are brilliant. they dont slide around alot, they dont sting even after only 3 hours of soaking, and they dont obstruct my vision. absolutely brilliant!

heres a quick comparison between my natural eye and one with a lens in (mind you this is in really bright light)

its a HUGE difference between size. i wish there werent such a huge gap for the pupil, since my eyes are very light and i wanted a very dark effect, but what can you do lol.

heres one more shot of me with both in.

overall, did an amazing job, one of the best shopping experiences ive ever had. i highly recommend them for circle lenses if you are looking to buy a pair. Barbie Eye is a great brand, very pretty in design and super comfy. <3


Thursday, January 6, 2011

Blogger, Once again.

Wordpress is way too complicated for me. So Blogger it is. Hope you guys stick around. I may start doing reviews of things that interest me, such as video games, makeup, food and the sort. anyone have an requests?