If My Life...

If my life were a play, I'd like to think I played my part well. I could take my bow with a nod of knowing that I did the very best I could have. There was no one else who could have taken my part... no understudy who could have done it justice... If my life were a play, I'd like to think it was made for me.

I could see the lights dimming on the stage and hear the audience clapping loudly, standing even, and giving me a final wave of praise, telling me that I was perfect in my part. A single tear would run down my cheek as I denied the encore and gave my final bow and the show would end.

It would be as simple as that.

But my life is not a play. I have no set of lines to say when it means the most. I have no well thought out words to sweep you off your feet or set it in stone that I truly am sorry.  I cannot see to the end, I have not read how my show will end... I cannot see my mistakes before I make them to ensure that my face is at its absolute best in those moments so at the very least, you dont think that i've lost all my charms.

I didnt see it coming as you fell to your knees in those moments. I didnt see my heart break a thousand miles before I came to this point nor did i read the words that spilled from my lips later that night.

I cannot erase the things i have said and backtrack the things i've done so that its more enjoyable for the world to look back on once im gone. I cannot undo what i have done.

I get no second try, no do-over. This is a one time deal.

I suppose, that even if my life were a play, I would be no better off than I am in these moments, questioning where i'm going... A thousand mistakes can be made in a single breath. A million wrong words can be whispered at the height of passion... and all of these things are human nature... all of these mistakes keep us vulnerable and human... they keep us real and vivid. There is no way to avoid them, even in the well thought out scripts.

I get no chance to see how my life has gone over with the rest of the world. I do not know if they jeer or clap for me... if they too cried as I bowed out and retired my place on the stage or if they were happy to see my eyes fade.

All I can do is the best I can. I'll read my lines as they come to me and I will pray they dont cover their eyes at what I have to show...

In the end, I hope they smile.


-Joji